Peer relationships present a complicated issue for gifted children. Many gifted children lack friends because they do not fit in with their classmates and they seem to have few opportunities to be grouped with other gifted students. Furthermore, many bright children are not outgoing, are lonely, and have not learned the friendship skills needed to gain and maintain satisfying relationships.
Following a summarization of research findings, various friendship factors related to school experiences and irrational thinking will be discussed. Also, guidelines for friendship making will be presented to help gifted children.
Research Findings
In 2002, the National Association for Gifted Children published, through Prufrock Press, “The Social and Emotional Development of Gifted Children: What Do We Know”. In that publication, several psychologists wrote about their research on friendship issues with gifted children. I will summarize relevant information from three eminent “gifted” psychologists: Sylvia Rimm, Miraca Gross, and Sally Reis. Their findings have also previously been reviewed in past issues of “The Outlook”.
Based on her research and that of others, Dr. Sylvia Rimm writes that gifted adolescents often feel different. Gifted boys may act “funny” to hide their giftedness in order to be socially accepted. Those with extremely high IQs find that fitting in socially is a greater problem than those of moderate gifted ability. However, highly gifted children who have been given radical acceleration find “true peers”. Those gifted, but not radically accelerated, were found to report intense social isolation in a regular classroom 80% of the time. They also closely monitor their social behavior to conform to their classmates’ expectations, causing continual emotional stress. In addition, the lack of challenging curriculum contributes to ongoing stress. Many gifted adults recall social isolation to be their most negative childhood experience. Research also indicates that gifted boys who excel in sports and gifted girls who are attractive can compensate for their brilliance in order to be socially accepted.
Dr. Miraca Gross, in her friendship studies of Australian gifted children, found that they prefer to spend time with other gifted children or older children. This is consistent with American gifted children. Exceptionally gifted children found that most of their friends were older, that being bright made making friends more difficult, and that they had too few friends – usually only one close friend or none at all. Another study found that while average age peers simply look for play partners, gifted children are more likely to look for trusting, stable, and close friendships. Several studies show that, for gifted children, loneliness and social isolation are more problematic before the age of 10. Gross also found that those gifted children who were not given radical acceleration were more likely to report social rejection and had low social self esteem.
Writing about gifted females in elementary and secondary schools, Dr. Sally Reis indicates that belief in ability and self confidence is often undermined and diminished. Furthermore, teachers seem less likely to identify gifted girls than they do gifted boys. Gifted girls often fear social isolation as a consequence of academic success, causing many to “play dumb” in order to be accepted.
Based on the above findings, friendship status for many gifted children is actually a more serious problem than parents and educators realize. Educators unwittingly contribute to the stress of social isolation by failing to provide flexible ability groups, as well as other accelerated options, for gifted children. Furthermore, teasing and other bullying practices by classmates and other students reinforce thoughts of helplessness, defectiveness, vulnerability, failure, or worthlessness in a gifted child.
Friendship Factors
It is a safe bet that nearly all gifted children have been bullied, teased, and undermined as part of their childhood experiences. Painful memories are even more devastating for “2e” gifted children with problems in executive functioning. Gifted children learn early that they are “outsiders”. This feeling comes from early memories, thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations regarding themselves and their relationship to others. Depending on the perception of the gifted child, this thinking may lead to social isolation and thoughts of defectiveness or mistrust. In addition to school experiences, negative, irrational thoughts could also develop at home or in the neighborhood. Thus, gifted children may avoid any social situation they perceive as stressful. Also, gifted children may think that they are unacceptable based on a few negative experiences and then predict that they will be unlikable and toxic in the future. They may also magnify one or more negative situations, causing them further stress.
Social relationships in gifted children must be encouraged. However, for gifted children to have successful friendships their risks have to be reduced and their resources have to be increased. Current research indicates gifted children are no less well adjusted socially and emotionally than other children, but they certainly could be better off socially and emotionally with appropriate school practices, including acceleration options, ability grouping, and bullying prevention. Counseling is recommended for any gifted child having negative, irrational thoughts about friends which can be replaced by positive, realistic, and optimistic thinking.
The guidelines below were originally handed out during my MCGT Annual Conference presentation: “Developing Friendship Skills in Gifted Children”. These guidelines are intended for parents and educators to use with gifted children to increase their resources in developing satisfying friendships.
Friendship Making Guidelines
- Like yourself – Think positively about yourself and have confidence you can be a good friend to yourself.
- Let others know you want to be their friend – Let others know that you are interested in them. Find out about their interests and preferences. Don’t just talk about yourself or be self centered.
- Reach out to people – Make an effort to get to know others. Initiate a greeting, a first move, or a conversation. You can be direct or subtle to start a potential relationship.
- Share yourself with others – Be ready to confide about personal, intimate thoughts and feelings at the right time so others will see and understand you as you are. Others will want to know your talents and interests when it feels right.
- Take part in activities – Join organizations, clubs, or classes in and out of school. Be a part of activities that interest you, including giving service to others.
- Expect to work at a relationship – Be ready to do your part to make contacts and plan get togethers. Don’t depend on your friends to make all the plans or decide on activities.
- Be pleasant – Act in a pleasing way by giving praise, being polite, smiling, showing tolerance and respect, and being accepting.
- Communicate well – Minimize confusion by expressing your ideas, thoughts, and feelings clearly. Listen to others actively and clarify anything that could be confusing. Also, pay attention to what they say verbally and nonverbally and give direct eye contact. Avoid blaming, teasing and negative comments.
- Get along with others – Learn how to problem solve and resolve conflicts. Allow others to vent or talk out issues and understand their perspectives. You can still be assertive and stand up for your rights.
- Balance give and take – Include friends in good times as well as bad. Listen to them rather than only using them as a sounding board for your concerns. Don’t be aloof, selfish or overly dependent when you or your friend needs help or support.
- Don’t be manipulated – When feeling lonely, don’t put up with others who do not have your best interests in mind. Avoid so-called friends you don’t really need who may be harmful or negative.
- Be fun to be with – Look for humor in your life and be able to laugh at yourself. Share fun experiences with others and play and laugh together.
- Learn and practice core standards – Emphasize qualities such as trustworthiness, responsibility, caring, encouraging, loyalty, approval, forgiveness, accountability, honesty, respect, equality, appreciation, and cooperation.